Justice

Justice The day I decided you were a forgotten bit of past that wasnt’ coming back You did In the form of a text message reading “I like you alot but I don’t want jailtime” That was the day I realized wasn’t getting rid of you until I was eighteen years old Until It stopped mattering that I was “the girl who told” As if I’d tossed my virginity onto a highway of unsuspecting men, found the nicest one and pinned “Rapist” to his forehead. The days my rejection lived solely off your jail time I went home and ate a gallon of ice cream, screamed at your ghosts and punched back at your memory I don’t see the justice in my rape, being my crime You were tried in a court of legal terms and bullshit, plead guilty for 187 days and 1,000 bucks in payback for my therapy I was tried in a court of lies and social misconceptions, Plead innocent and found guilty as a lying slut snitch there was no doubt of our fornication only of my fourteen year old innocence The day a police officer asked me if I was forced I said No I said no because in the dark you whispered to me that this body was not mine to own The night I left with needle junkie thighs I know I said no, maybe i said “later” or “I need to think” but I know I didn’t say yes When I give the excuse “I was in love” People ask “What do you know about love?” I know i said no I know whatever love I knew fled that night Ran to tuck itself in at it’s corners and die of fright from the things it saw I know how I stared at your cealing tiles counting every one for what felt like hours I know how I used invisible thread to sew my mouth shut and thought over the same line from wuthering heights over, and over I know, when it was finally over I put on my clothes and let you drive me home. Crawled in my bed and clutched at the threads of what dignity I still owned When I said “I’ll love you forever” You said “I’ll love you until you give me a reason not to” What do you know abuot love? I know on the days parts of me died your eyes came alive You sucked my marrow until I was bone dry you taught me love existed behind clenched fists and pretty lies, that ours was a love that was more than love You love the way a dogfighter loves his pittbull What comes back bruised and bloody But with a pocket of survival a pocket of “I love you still” Your love was a cancer that rotted from the inside, undetected poisioned the soul and kiled with the slow grace of a panther. The only cure took my hair and never gave it back No scarf or wig to cover a shame I should not own On the day my excuse stops being “I was in love” I will have asked you “What do you know about love?”